As Max looked further ahead he, surprisingly, saw his best friend, Sean, under the market tent. Max sped up his pace. Sean was the oldest of the four friends, all of them around the age of seventeen, – Max, Miranda, Jess. Sean always made the final decision in everything he did, whether it was with his friends or at an important meeting. This was because every word that came out of his mouth was so convincing. For this reason, people sometimes called him “chief.” Even some of the classmates would look up to him. One time in class Noah announced that there would be a new lesson coming up involving how to survive in the wilderness, but as group (the entire class). Noah proclaimed that survival was all about teamwork and keeping things under control. Sean was chosen to be the leader in the group, which meant he was in charge of who got firewood and who would set up the tent.
“Hey chief!” Max shouted, while he waved from a couple feet away. Sean raised his battered farming hat and smiled. He wore a white linen tunic with a brown belt that held his sheath and supplies, such as knives and flint. “Max, how’s it going? Are you going to the lesson today?” he asked as he eyed down toward the stand, searching for the ripest butternut squash the market had to offer.
First thing first: please press the return button every once in a while, especially on your dialogue.
Get rid of useless words that add nothing to the dialogue, like "as," and be careful with your commas. As usual, I edited it below.
Max looked further ahead and saw his best friend, Sean, under a market tent, surprisingly enough. (why is this so surprising? And if you have already introduced Sean, just put his name, not the whole best friends thing.) He sped up his pace to go join Sean in whatever he was doing.
He had a way of making the words he spoke sound very convincing. Because of this talent, people close to him called Sean “Chief.” Even some of the classmates would look up to him.(this sentence makes no sense to me, sorry.)
One time in class Noah announced that there would be a new lesson coming up involving how to survive in the wilderness, but as group (the entire class). Noah proclaimed that survival was all about teamwork and keeping things under control. Sean was chosen to be the leader in the group, which meant he was in charge of who got firewood and who would set up the tent. (This entire paragraph is very random in the reading, and seems very strange and sudden, a thing that draws out of it, fyi.)
“Hey chief!” Max shouted, waving from a few feet away. Sean raised his battered farming hat and smiled. He wore a white linen tunic with a brown belt that held his sheath and basic supplies, a few pieces of flint and knives being visible. (Why? a farmer’s hat, with knives and a sword or dagger? Not very likely, in medieval times.)
“Max, how’s it going? Are you going to the lesson today?” He asked as he eyed the butternut squash stand, searching for the ripest one the market had to offer.
OMG!! Yes! We finally figured out who this ‘Noah’ character is. I still say he is a bit shady… though the story is very confusing because you post random parts, or so it seems. lol. Hes the teacher, right? Hmmmmm….. I don’t like him. Nope, I don’t. And what is with this class? Its… strange.
HAPPY WRITING!!!
Well, here are my thoughts. First, the placement of ‘surprisingly’ is a little off. How about something like:
As Max looked futher ahead, he was surprised to see his best friend Sean…
Then I would say give the friends ages and maybe tell a little something about them and how they relate to each other. I would capitalize Chief, if that’s his nickname. I think this might sound a little better:
‘Even some of the classmates looked up to him.’
Simple. No need for would. Now who’s Noah, another friend? *editing in* Noah’s the teacher? They call their teacher by the first name? That could be interesting if you explained or at least said ‘their teacher Noah.’ I never imagined him being a teacher at all. No need to put things in parenthesis and watch run-on sentences:
One time in class Noah announced that there would be a new lesson coming up involving how to survive in the wilderness. The entire class would have to pull together as a group.
Or something. Now why does Max shout if he’s only a couple feet away? All in all, nice job, keep working on it!
References :
First thing first: please press the return button every once in a while, especially on your dialogue.
Get rid of useless words that add nothing to the dialogue, like "as," and be careful with your commas. As usual, I edited it below.
Max looked further ahead and saw his best friend, Sean, under a market tent, surprisingly enough. (why is this so surprising? And if you have already introduced Sean, just put his name, not the whole best friends thing.) He sped up his pace to go join Sean in whatever he was doing.
Sean was the oldest of Max and his friends (maybe clique, cronies, etc. This feels very awkward to me.), though all of them were around seventeen. (introduce the girls later. They are unimportant for now. Also- how old are you? A lot of the things that they do and how they act haven’t made me peg them as seventeen. I will admit that I originally thought they were twelve to fifteen.) Sean was a very deciding person, and when they needed a decision made, the other three would turn to him. (You give us something to look forward to- other characters, just in case we don’t like Sean and Max. Also, you are somewhat telling and not showing. Just an observation. Like what does he look like? I say he sounds blonde, medium green-ish (grass or leaves filled with water) or dark blue eyes(oceans or nighttime skies) and light brown or sandy blonde hair. And max sounds like a green or black eyed, black haired guy.)
He had a way of making the words he spoke sound very convincing. Because of this talent, people close to him called Sean “Chief.” Even some of the classmates would look up to him.(this sentence makes no sense to me, sorry.)
One time in class Noah announced that there would be a new lesson coming up involving how to survive in the wilderness, but as group (the entire class). Noah proclaimed that survival was all about teamwork and keeping things under control. Sean was chosen to be the leader in the group, which meant he was in charge of who got firewood and who would set up the tent. (This entire paragraph is very random in the reading, and seems very strange and sudden, a thing that draws out of it, fyi.)
“Hey chief!” Max shouted, waving from a few feet away. Sean raised his battered farming hat and smiled. He wore a white linen tunic with a brown belt that held his sheath and basic supplies, a few pieces of flint and knives being visible. (Why? a farmer’s hat, with knives and a sword or dagger? Not very likely, in medieval times.)
“Max, how’s it going? Are you going to the lesson today?” He asked as he eyed the butternut squash stand, searching for the ripest one the market had to offer.
OMG!! Yes! We finally figured out who this ‘Noah’ character is. I still say he is a bit shady… though the story is very confusing because you post random parts, or so it seems. lol. Hes the teacher, right? Hmmmmm….. I don’t like him. Nope, I don’t. And what is with this class? Its… strange.
HAPPY WRITING!!!
References :