My son who I have a great relationship with came to me this morning with a letter he wanted to give his best friend….he said he wanted to show me and it read "I want to tell you a secret….I’m gay". This is the first time he has made such a statement and I immediately said that was OK but kind of felt like, I wasn’t sure he fully understands what it means to be gay. I asked why he thinks that and he said from the first time he saw his friend, he knew he really liked him. He hasn’t really shown any interest in girls yet but I figured this was because he is only 8 and it’s a bit early to know about your sexual orientation and he doesn’t fully understand what sex is yet.
I don’t want to squash his feelings or make him feel closeted in any way but at the same time I don’t want him shouting he is gay and being picked on through his school life, only to discover when his hormones kick in as a teen that maybe he is actually straight after all? I could really use some advise on how to move forward. I hid the note when he was distracted so he didn’t end up taking it to give to his friend today (he had forgotten about it by the time we left for school and didn’t notice).
I also wonder if he is just being influenced by certain stereotypes as he is going to tap dancing lessons, loves musicals and Justin Beiber and Kurt from Glee…..
Just to explain further after a comment below – my son hasn’t seen many episodes of Glee, it is a program I watch as I am in performing arts myself and I always watch it first, he just likes the big song and dance routines, the other content I do not let him see if I consider it too adult in nature but on the whole it is is set in a high school and the themes have been interesting and nothing I wouldn’t discuss with him openly or with his older sister.
I kinda kn where he is at. all through early childhood I had these intense feelings for some of the boys I knew, and a driving need to be near one or two at school even though I didn’t actually know them – I just liked to be where I could see them and if one of them acknowledged me in any way I was in heaven. I had no clue about "gay" then. As I grew I became aware of sex and sexuality and realised slowly that I am in fact gay. Free of any influences I found that I am gay – many straight people dispute the fact that most gay people know through experience – It is nature not nurture that defines who we are – and as Rev. Carl Bean sang some years back "I was born this way".
Your son may have a head start on me, but from your question it seems that given the more open nature of society now he has the information I lacked to make some sense of what he is feeling. It may not be the end game for him, but for now its where he is at and he will need some support in this. I notice a lot that people focus purely on the sexual nature of orientation while completely neglecting the emotional side, and while he may not be chasing guys around the school yard in a state of rampant physical arousal, there is clearly an emotional connect going on and he may feel quite lonely at times.
He will figure out where he wants to be in his own time and that is best done without pressure or judgment from those closest to him, Be there for him, but let him get on with it, Being gay is part of who we are, but it is not all we are, thats the point to remember.
Just tell him that’s okay but have him spend more time with girls and ask him occasionally if he’s still gay. It sounds stupid but I’d say this is the approach I’d take. That way you’re not pressuring him, you’re just bending the truth slightly (implying that his sexual orientation can change, which I’m pretty sure you’re either born gay or straight).
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I don’t think that you can be influenced to be gay because it’s not really popular to be gay. If anything, there’s a stigma and negativity with being gay. Also, there’s nothing gay about musicals or Justin Bieber (he’s gross but he’s straight).
I think maybe he just doesn’t fully understand the word. Perhaps you should explain it to him (not that gay people have gay sex and dive into the topic of gay sex or anything) that being gay means you have feelings for someone of the same gender and you want to hug and kiss them all the time and hold hands etc (basic stuff). Ask him what makes him think he’s gay or why he feels that way. This way you can delve into whether or not it’s influences from somewhere or his understanding of the word etc.
Also, no offense but why would you let your 8 year old son watch Glee? It’s not an appropriate show for children.
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First of all, gender stereotypes have nothing to do with sexuality. Some gay people may be interested in activities usually associated with the opposite sex when they are young, but those activities don’t influence them to become gay. It’s just the way we’re born. At 8, it is highly unlikely that your son knows for certain that he is gay. But he very well could be. Just support him, and explain to him that he probably shouldn’t tell people at school yet, because they might not be very nice to him. Tell him that in a few years he can tell all of his friends if he still feels the same way, but for now, it’s best if he keeps it between the two of you.
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Honestly, 8 is old enough to understand what ‘gay’ is, but he is not old enough to understand what he is attracted to sexually, because he hasn’t gone through puberty. Sit down with hi and give him a sensible talk, telling him that whoever he loves is okay, but that he won’t know for sure who he is attracted to until he is 15-16 at least and until then he shouldn’t make a statement either way.
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Hey I knew that I’m a lesbian since I was 7.. I had girl crushes… I’m so glad he told you at an early age! Most kept it a secret.. Just support your son and educate him about it.. And yea tell him not to come out at that age cos he’ll be pick on.. And you’re a good mother,
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chances are he is not going to change his mind when he gets older. if your son is 8 and already knows this about himself than he isnt going to suddenly like girls. its great that you are accepting and at the same time are worried about his well-being ie. getting picked on. just give him time to figure things out and it will be fine. i didnt even know what being homosexual was when i was his age. so i say go him:)
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We are/become what we think.
Do not push him towards girls just for sake of turning him straight.
Neither leave things as they are & expect a miracle, just talk to him in such way that he becomes more open, do your best to make him what you want him to, do this only until age of 12, after that he becomes your friend, then you should not command him, leave the rest to fate/god, because whatever is destined will happen, no matter how much you wish against it.
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I kinda kn where he is at. all through early childhood I had these intense feelings for some of the boys I knew, and a driving need to be near one or two at school even though I didn’t actually know them – I just liked to be where I could see them and if one of them acknowledged me in any way I was in heaven. I had no clue about "gay" then. As I grew I became aware of sex and sexuality and realised slowly that I am in fact gay. Free of any influences I found that I am gay – many straight people dispute the fact that most gay people know through experience – It is nature not nurture that defines who we are – and as Rev. Carl Bean sang some years back "I was born this way".
Your son may have a head start on me, but from your question it seems that given the more open nature of society now he has the information I lacked to make some sense of what he is feeling. It may not be the end game for him, but for now its where he is at and he will need some support in this. I notice a lot that people focus purely on the sexual nature of orientation while completely neglecting the emotional side, and while he may not be chasing guys around the school yard in a state of rampant physical arousal, there is clearly an emotional connect going on and he may feel quite lonely at times.
He will figure out where he wants to be in his own time and that is best done without pressure or judgment from those closest to him, Be there for him, but let him get on with it, Being gay is part of who we are, but it is not all we are, thats the point to remember.
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Been there – worked it out for myself.